Resigning
by SugarBoots101
Summary: Why I don't want to be Byakuya's fukutaicho anymore


"**I'm resigning," I said. Sou-taicho's eyes widened**

Those dark stones for pupils were coming to life

Vaguely did I see that look on his face

But I've made up my mind. "I'm resigning,"

"No one resigns in the Gotei 13," he said slowly,

Deliberately, as if he wanted each syllable to sink in.

I swallowed hard, swallowed the knot in my throat

And thought carefully for my next choice of words.

"I do not wish to work as Kuchiki-taichou's fukutiacho

Any longer. My passion for being a shinigami has

Dispersed from me. That need for fighting, for protecting

As left me. I am resigning my position." Sasakibe-fukutaicho

Seemed utterly surprised. Sou-taicho stood up

From his seat and said, "Abarai Renji! You swore an oath

To be in the Gotei 13 and work as a shinigami in Byakuaya's

Care, in _my_ care. Who are you to make rash decisions without

Conversing it with your taicho first?" My heart sped up.

His grip on his zanpakuto tightened and I looked at

Sasakibe-fukutaicho for some sort of closure. None. I was

In this alone. "No one resigns from the Gotei 13." Sou-taicho

Said again. I removed Zabimaru from my waist and placed her on

Sou-taicho's desk. I took of my fukutaicho badge and placed

It on his desk also. I bowed my head, "I am truly sorry," I said. I rose

Upward and looked at Sou-taicho. "Then I shall be the first,"

_**Tick-tock-tick-tock. Taicho was given this clock from Rukia.**_

_His birthday just past and like every year on his birthday, he _

_Went missing. Maybe he found it too humiliating to deal with_

_Traditional birthday occasions. No, that's not it. Hardly anyone_

_Knows it. Tick-tock. It's a cat with wide eyes and hangs a little_

_Lopsided on the wall. Taicho is a bit short. Even if he's too embarrassed_

_To admit it. I offered assistance but his glare sealed my offer. So,_

_I watched him struggle until he forced me to run an errand for him._

_I even got him a gift. I didn't get anything supersized or extravagant. _

_Just something that would make him happy and didn't draw too much attention. _

_I went to a shop that sold charms. Some charms had the kanji letterings _

_For strength and glory. I wanted something that fit his personality_

_And protected him. I ended up finding a silver bracelet instead. It was a bracelet that _

_Swallowed my whole paycheck and would grace his gray eyes. _

_"Protect him with a thousand pedals that fill the sky," It said. It was almost as if_

_I was destined to buy him this bracelet. I picked it up and headed back_

_To the office to see him seated at his desk with a lopsided clock. I smiled_

_To myself and never told Taicho I got him something. Just placed his bracelet_

_On his desk. I turned my back and headed to my desk to do some work._

_I never got the chance to see his reaction but he merely said, "Thank you,"_

_Not a day went by when he wasn't wearing it._

_His bracelet complimented his pale complexion and glistened _

_Like his kenseikans. The stones on it were called "moon water"._

_The pink linen was the color of the sakuras that danced around_

_His finger tips when he demanded Senbonzakura to scatter. _

_But what I loved most of all about it was realizing he took pride_

_In wearing it. He did not have any shame saying I got it for him._

_He ignored the blank stares everyone gave him and continued to admire it._

"**Abarai Renji," Sou-taicho said. "Reconsider." I was dismissed**

He gave me back Zabimaru and my badge. At this point, I believed

If I didn't cooperate, my life could be at risk. I heard that no one survived

The flames of Ryujin Jakka and I'm sure he has no problem

Turning me to ash. I'm confident he sees this as a sense of betrayal.

He is probably shocked that it's coming from me. Ise-fukutaicho

Seems like the type to flee…even Kira. However, he seemed applaud

That it's from me. To be honest, I am a little shocked as well.

I've review the circumstances over in my head. Thought of possibilities

That would not allow me to come to this choice. Nothing worked. Nothing

Made any sense. It wasn't making me feel any better regardless.

So, abandoning it all together seemed like the only thing to do.

I left Sou-taicho's headquarters and walked into my squad.

"Thank you for the hard work, Abarai-fukutaicho!" Subordinates

From my squad said. I nodded in acknowledgement and felt

A little guilty. One day, I'll work up enough nerve to reframe them from

Calling me 'fukutaicho'. I turned the corner to walk to my office

And collided with Yumichika-san. "Ow, ow, ow." He said softly. I rubbed

My head and his lavender eyes landed on me. "Abarai, you have a

Hard head," "I'm told that a lot," I said. I helped him up and felt a headache

Sprung from the center of my head. Great. "I'm looking for Ikkaku…have you

Seen him?" I shook my head no and asked. "Why are you looking for him?"

"We're going on a date later on tonight," Sting. "And it's his turn to pay.

So, he's probably bailing on me…what a hassle." He pouted and smiled.

"How is everything for you, Abarai-kun?" I shuffled uncomfortably

And said, "Everything is fine. Ikkaku-san is probably fighting with

Iba-san. You know how those two are," I said, quickly changing the

Topic. Yumichika-san nodded. "I'll check. Thank you, Abarai-kun,"

He jogged away, allowing his dark hair to lift in the faint breeze.

Today is a nice day and I know I don't have much work. Maybe I should

Sunbathe and try not to feel as guilty about my choices. But I know there is something

I must do before I run away from my troubles…

_**We stood on top of a hill, allowing the breeze to run its fingers through**_

_Our hair. "Show me, Renji," Taicho said. I concentrated on my zanpakotu._

"_BAN-KAI!" I yelled. Zabimaru transformed and placed a coat on me. When her_

_Transformation was complete, I said, "Hihio Zabimaru," "Ban-kai," Taicho said._

"_Senbonzakura Kageyoshi. Renji, you're goal is to get me down on both_

_Knees since you have accomplished getting me on one long ago," _

_Senbonzakura danced around my head. "I'll do my best," I said passionately._

_He directed Senbonzakura to me and I dodged it. "Zabimaru!" I yelled._

_Zambimaru growled and launched her body at Taicho. Taicho jumped_

_And directed Senbonsakura to me. "Senkei" he said. multiple rose _

_Colored blades came. He took one and threw it at me. Zabimaru blocked_

_It for me. He launched another one and another one right after, just as fast._

_Taicho realized that his blades were not touching me, so he settled for_

_His next technique, "Gokei" He said. I tightened my grip on Zabimaru and said, _

"_Hikotsu Taiho!" Taicho's eyes widen and he jumped. "Taiho!" I said._

_He used Shunpo and again, "Taiho!" He was gone. I lost sight of him_

_Which was not a good thing. I heard his foot steps behind me. In sheer desperation, _

_I tried a move I am terrible with. "Hado #31, Shakkaho!" I managed to get him_

_And see him fly a bit. His feet sank into the ground to stop himself_

_And he came down on both knees. A smirk landed on my face as he_

_He held his chest. "That took me by surprise." He said. Senbonzakura_

_Began returning to its zanpakotu form and blood slipped from his fingers. _

"_Taicho," I started but Senbozakura sliced over my arms. He smiled_

_Himself. "Never let your guard down, Renji," I fell face first. _

**I knocked twice. "Come in," Taicho said behind the door. I opened**

The door and he didn't bother to look up. I'm confident he knew it was

Me. "I've come to check if there was any work for me," I said. I closed

The door and he pointed to my desk. A new papers. Nothing ridiculous.

Before sitting down, I took note of the missing bracelet on his left

Wrist. My bracelet. I felt the pain welding up inside of me and grow

Within every passing moment. I sat at my desk with my vision blurred

And my hands shaking. Everything just seems like a dream.

I held my calligraphy pen and heard Taicho painting away as he

Signed documents silently. I stood up and he asked. "What is it,

Renji?" I walked to the front door and walked out. When I heard

Taicho's footsteps behind me, I sped up. He let me go. He let me

Walk off the board walk and into the grass, away from everything.

He let me go like he did so long ago

Tossing me to the side as if I was nothing more than an object

That reinforces his principals—an elaboration of where he stands…

_**The wound wasn't so deep. It was a nasty gash while I was left**_

_Immobilized in my bed. At least I took him down pretty quickly._

"_If you would have maintained focus, you might've won the battle,"_

_He said. "Renji, do not become so distracted when blood is shed,"_

"_I'm truly sorry, Taicho," I said. He shook his head, "Don't be. You_

_Have improved so much. Take pride in that, Renji," His flattery_

_Was out of the ordinary. I consider moments like these small treats._

_He believed in me and that was enough motivation I needed to succeed._

_Taicho was mysterious in that aspect. Always doing something kind that_

_Either motivated me to try harder or shocked me. I always show my gratitude._

_He never showed me his face, never showed if he was elated or wary_

_He just showed, in his lukewarm moments, he cared. _

_I remember, one evening while I laid in my room, I felt the cushion next to_

_Me. I remember how warm it was—as if someone just got up from it._

_I thought of Rukia being there until I saw Taicho walk in. He wasn't wearing_

_His shihakusho or his haori. He was actually wearing a gray_

_Kimono, His hair was free from his kenseikan and his eyes landed on me. _

"_How are you, Renji?" He asked. I sat up and smiled. He sat _

_On the cushion and handed me some tea he made. I sipped,_

_The hot liquid and felt it slide down my throat to warm my insides. "Sorry,_

_Renji," Taicho said. "I didn't mean to take it so far,"_

"_It's fine, Taicho," I said. "I appreciate the fact you gave your_

_All into our battle," A small smile appeared on his face_

_And I thought to myself, when did Taicho become so beautiful?_

_Was it the gray of his kimono that brought out his eyes or_

_The gentleness in his smile that reminded me was human?_

_Maybe it was his delicate fingers or his soothing voice._

_Whatever it was, he appealed to me. He played a tune in_

_My heart I wasn't too familiar with. "Get some rest, Renji," He said quietly._

"_You need to heal properly," "Goodnight, Taicho," I said after he stood._

_He nodded his head in my direction and stepped out._

_I tried sorting out my feelings, understanding the scenario._

_I couldn't grasped anything and I let it all slip. I couldn't make sense of any_

_Of it and felt too exhausted to even consider the thought of doing so._

_But I did know one thing, Byakuya was more than a captain to me._

**The sun sank slowly in the sky. It turned the sky pink, orange, lavender,**

Navy blue. The stars poked out and I debated on whether I should return

To my squad or sleep in my room. Sleeping sounded more appealing but

I felt a little too scared to walk there. I know Taicho is still around.

I started walking and felt the bluest I've felt in years. Each step made

Me contemplate on my choices of resigning and my reasons for doing so.

There was something obvious about that which probably pissed Sou-taicho off.

I love Byakuya. I will always love Byakuaya and that's what makes it all

So painful. After being wrapped in his arms for so long, he slipped from me

And made sure I always remained at arm's length. His eyes wielded coldness

I didn't quite understand. But I never questioned it. Never reconciled with it.

Never accepted it. I reached the 6th Squad chambers and walked on the

Wooden floor. I walked slowly and saw Taicho down the hall. His eyes were

Fierce and on me. I awaited the scolding he's bound to give me but felt

An utter sense of shock when he walked right by me, as if I wasn't standing there,

Occupying the small pace in the halls. This has gotten from bad to worse.

_**By this time, I was well enough to move around. My arms still ached **_

_A little bit but it wasn't enough to paralyze me. During this time, I often_

_Left my red main down my back and let it get tangled in the faint breeze_

_By my window. People from the 6__th__ Squad that attended to my care seemed_

_Puzzled by my crimson mane. Each red stand forming a loop when it_

_Fell loosely on the window ledge. I always felt that my hair was what_

_Described me best: Passionate. At night, when Byakuya went to see me,_

_I felt my limbs burn with passion. Passion I was too afraid to show him._

_Each night that passed, he seemed a little bit more profound in his own way._

_His style was always unique and his mannerisms are what made him._

_But something lied deeper than that and crept onto me in a way I didn't notice_

_Until the moment his delicate fingers caressed my cheek so tenderly._

_Concern was imprinted on his face and my heart accelerated._

_Our eyes were engaged in some sort of romantic conversation_

_And I grew too weak to speak. Before I could move a little, _

_Our lips met in such a passionate kiss that left my body quivering._

_I licked my lips after our tongues fondled each other._

_After our lips crushed each other in an unspoken desire_

_After or groans and moans flooded the room._

_He tasted so sweet._

_And I felt it, my heart growing faster by the moment._

_I began stepping over my rational of the scene_

_And formulated fantasies I dare not to speak of._

_That was when I realized I loved Byakuya…_

"**Renji!" My eyes darted open and a headache was summoned.**

I looked at my doorway and saw Ichigo sitting by it. "Wake up!"

"Oi, Ichigo," I said, feeling completely annoyed, "Do you even know

What time is it?" "Did you hear, stupid?" Ichigo shot back, "Some

Fukutaicho you are." I sat up. Thought about choking him until his

Eyes rolled back or slapping him into the next room. I crossed my legs

And covered my semi-naked body with my blanket. "What is it, Ichigo?"

"Byakuya's getting married and he's requesting for everyone in the Squad

To be there," I froze. It felt like Taicho placed his zanpakuto into my chest

Himself. "He wants everyone to see him off. Rukia invited me," "Ichigo," I said

Lowly, "Did Taicho ask for me exclusively?" "No," He said. I laid back down

And closed my eyes, "Renji!" "Leave, Ichigo," I said. He was quiet for a moment

Before getting up and walking off. I heard him suck his teeth and mumble

Something incoherent underneath his breath. When I heard my door slam

Shut, my sobs came violently. It's been 11 months already?

Have I been dwelling in the realm of my self-loath for that long?

"_**Taicho! What…" I whispered heatedly. He crushed his lips on**__**mine **_

_And kissed the trail down my neck. I arched my back up and felt him_

_Bite my neck softly. His hands were on my lips and I felt like I could get_

_Lost in his arms forever. He was gentle and patient about this. Because_

_Of his patience and his love for foreplay, my toes were tingling. I felt like_

_I couldn't captivate any of moans anymore. My heart began pounding in my_

_Chest so lowly. The heat of his skin sent me into a pool of pleasure._

_My mind began to go blank…_

_My arms encircled his frame as we rocked together. His kisses delivering_

_Silent whispers of love, words he had not yet uttered to me. "Renji," he moaned_

_Softly. My eyes fluttered open and I took note of my name sounding like a song leaving _

_His lips. For the first time, I thought my name was utterly beautiful._

_I kissed his lips and begged for more. He was so gentle, caressed my back_

_And looked into my eyes the moments he changed his pace. It as if he was_

_Looking for a sign of discomfort. I just wanted more of him. During sex, I wanted_

_Every inch of his being. I was greedy, ferocious, and lewd all at once. I wanted_

_Kuchiki Byakuya. Sometimes, he grew tired and left me to finish; let me take _

_Control of what he felt like he couldn't complete. I held onto his shoulders_

_And moved my hips just how he liked it. He sighed and smiled. I moaned_

_And fell even more in love with Taicho._

**The moon hung brightly in the sky. I cannot believe I honestly stayed in**

Bed for the whole day. Let alone skip out on such an important ceremony.

"_Renji, what we had is in the past now. I'm getting married," _Why is my heart

Still looming over his words? Why am I lingering in my own abyss?

I sat up and a headache threatened to take over. I closed my eyes and tried

To arrange the features of his wife. She's nameless, faceless, irrelevant.

Yet, she is his wife. She's probably holding his hand right now…or holding him

Like he's held me so many times before.

There weren't any signs of indifference or discomfort. He just one day

Told me he was getting married to a woman who will always remain

Faceless. I wasn't sure if he loved her. I'm not even sure if he even loved me

But I know that he'll never grow to love me.

What I had with Byakuya is something I cannot let go. I've never loved

Anyone the way I loved him. He held me hostage to his smile

And his patient touches. He always sang my name every time his gray

Eyes landed upon me. Painful. I sighed and laid back down to focus on the moon.

It's similar to a pearl, this evening. It also looks stuck—as stuck as I'm

Feeling. Tomorrow I'm going back to Sou-taicho and I'm giving him

Everything back. I, personally, don't want to live in anguish anymore

Or see the face of the person who is causing it. I have to suffice my departure.

I closed my eyes and invited the shadows of my room.

Sitting in my own misery is something I've done for months.

The familiar agony locking up my bones and numbing my mind.

The cursed tears that warm my face…

_**When I felt to missions in the real world and returned, Byakuya always felt**_

_That I should personally meet him in his minor. A few rooms down from_

_His shrine of his wife who passed away years ago. It's a little frightening _

_To realize how much she resembles Rukia. _

_Most of the nights that I stayed there, he couldn't resist the urge to touch me._

_His delicate touches heated my body in ways so profound that words cannot_

_Explain. But it was enough to make remember that there was something _

_Worth living for. As long as he and I stayed like that, I felt like I couldn't ask for more._

_But, on rare nights when our skin did not touch, he helplessly ran his fingers _

_Through my hair. Crimson strands looked a little odd on his pale skin. In the shadows, _

_My hair resembled blood. But, that obvious fact did not stop him for having_

_This keen fascination with my hair. Instead, he twirled his fingers in it_

_And often kissed my temples. "How is it like, sleeping in the real world?" He'd _

_Whisper into my ear. I'd feel a smile form on my lips when I felt his soft _

_Lips brush on my ear. "It's like being in Soul Society. There is life everywhere,"_

_I felt his lips press onto mine and along my jaw. "I've missed you, Renji,"_

_There it was, the swelling in my chest that reminded me I have done_

_The inevitable and fallen so deeply in love with him. He'd let me hold him_

_And run my hands down his back to comfort him. He held me so tightly,_

_So fiercely, in ways I currently romanticize now. _

_His actions screamed that he cared for me, that I truly meant something. _

_His sadden eyes showed that they missed seeing my face._

_His hands roamed every space on my body to show that they've missed me too._

_But to hear those words leave his lips is almost as breathtaking as if he was saying "I love you,"_

**Hisagi-san bumped into me when I decided to go to the bath house.**

"Oh, Hisagi-san. I'm sorry. I didn't see you," I said. It was hard meeting his eyes.

"Ah, Abarai…Are you ok? It's been a while since I've seen you smile,"

"I'm just tired with work. It's been really kicking my ass,"

"I see. Kuchiki-taicho's wife is beautiful. She graced us with her presences

Yesterday. You missed it, Abarai. What were you doing?"

"Napping. I was feeling under the weather."

"Oh, I hope you feel better." He left. He greeted everyone he laid eyes on...

Polite, intelligent, reserved, kind. He had a heart that would melt anyone away.

His genuine concern was always something I liked about him. His patience

Is something I truthfully admire. He's perfect in his own way.

Why didn't I fall in love with him instead?

"_**Senbonzakura is beautiful but fierce," Byakuaya said, "He has a will similar**_

_To mine when I was a child," "I can't imagine you impatient or impulsive,"_

_I said. "It doesn't seem like you to be anything but stern and reserved," Byakuya_

_Chuckled and lightly touched my face. "I was impatient and impulsive._

_Why do you think I married so young?" I saw it. A brief sadness in his eyes_

_When he reminisced about his marriage prior to our relationship. Something inside_

_Of him shifted a little bit when his mind drifted to the days I was sure he desired to _

_Relive. Even if he never openly admitted that he wanted to see his wife again,_

_His body screamed it. It was, perhaps, the only thing I disliked about him…_

_Aside from the obvious fact that he never wanted to tell me how he felt. _

_Even thought I consoled him and showed him I loved him unconditionally,_

_It seemed obvious that he felt satisfied with hiding everything within himself._

_I never pushed or hinted anything. I simply waited for the day he would at least_

_Let me read a page of his heart. Nothing came. His book never opened_

_And nor did he have any plans to open it. Even thought he made me feel like I was_

_His entity, I, in the end, just simply believed I was, perhaps, just another person._

_I wanted to fix his life and allow him to mold me into his ideal lover. _

_I wanted to be the person he cried on when he was upset and the person_

_He spoke with honestly when he was angry. I wanted to be the one thing,_

_In this universe, to remind him that he's human…who was I kidding?_

_Byakuya turned to me and the sadness never lifted. Even if the thought I never_

_Noticed it, I saw it there. It cast shadows on his gray eyes and slightly rose_

_His eyebrows upwards. I saw glimpse of his pain and private anguish. I saw_

_His hidden desperation. But why couldn't he take me in and let me heal_

_The wounds his wife left behind?_

_Why didn't he entrust me to repairing what has been broken for_

_Too long? Did he believe I wasn't fit for the job?_

_Or is because it hurt too much to remember?_

"**Abarai Renji," Sou-taicho said, "Still? Nothing has changed your mind?"**

"No, Sou-taicho," I said. Sasakibe-fukutaicho placed his eyes on me for

A moment and then looked at Sou-taicho. Sou-taicho, remarkably enough,

Seemed a lot calmer and accepting towards my choice. This deeply unnerved me.

"Abarai, I will not grant your wish," He said. I opened my mouth for objection

But both he and Sasakibe-fukutaicho gave me a sharp look. "No objections,

Abarai-fukutaicho. You know your place and who you serve. Quarrels

Concerning both you and Kuchiki Byakuya will not become any of my business.

However, You were not taught to cop out in tough scenarios. Rumors

State that you and Kuchiki-taicho are not even speaking to one another. I am positive

It is the reason why you suddenly don't want to be a part of his squad anymore.

Thus, I will not take the opportunity to evaluate it thoroughly because this reason

Seems mediocre. Abarai-fukutaicho. You are entrusted with the lives

Of your squad when Kuchiki-taicho is gone. You are to make sure that everything

He does places him out of harm's way. You are his right hand man and a man

That is difficult to replace. I will not grant you this, Abarai-fukitaicho. But,

I will say this: Today is Kuchiki-taicho's birthday. You have until your

Birthday to settle this or I will invade and render the circumstances to my liking.

You are dismissed!" Defeated. That's how I feel but he is right. My reasons were

Not good enough to back up my withdrawal from the squad. I left Sou-taicho's office

And let the obvious fact that it was Byakuya's birthday sink in. A few years

Ago on this following day, I gave him that bracelet. Last year I wanted to

Give him a ring but settle for taking him to dinner. On the last day of next

Month will be the anniversary of when he broke my heart…utterly devastating…

_**One time, I got his see his face flush. He placed his hand over his lips**_

_And tried to muffled his own sounds. I wasn't sure if it was pain or pleasure_

_That he was feeling. But I was aware of the unspoken rule: Never call him_

_Taicho during these moments. "Are you ok…Byakuya?"_

_He was a little startled that I used his name without a suffix at the end._

_Our relationship was intimate so shouldn't we call each other intimately_

_Privately? His cheeks grew redder and his eyes closed. "I'm fine," He forced out._

_He held onto my biceps and I kissed his lips. Soft, gentle…it made_

_My heart flutter. "Are you sure this is ok…?" I asked him. He opened_

_His eyes and a moan escaped his lips. I found it. His voice is so soft_

_And so clear. I could not believe I was living my fantasy. He moaned_

_A little louder and I held him closer to me. Only I was allowed to see this._

"_It doesn't hurt?" I whispered and then kissed his ear. "No…no," He managed._

_I kissed him passionately and took my time devouring him. We were finally_

_In sync and I'm losing myself in all this passion. "Byakuya, I think I love you,"_

_My words were drowned out by his moans. I couldn't think after that. _

"**Happy Birthday, Taicho," I said. A small smile appeared on his**

Face but never reached his eyes. "It's funny how you, of all people,

Tell me happy birthday," He said coldly. I narrowed my eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked. He stared at me, long and hard,

And said, "You run out of my office and avoid me for a few days.

On top of that, you do something utterly idiotic and miss my wedding

Ceremony," The smile left his face, "How dare you," I didn't say anything

Else. He was right. But I wasn't sorry for it. I removed myself from

His presence and started on my work. The less he spoke to me, the easier it was.

But, my sudden absence didn't stop him. I heard him move from his desk

And heard his light footsteps touch the floor. He was going for the kill.

"I wasn't done speaking," He said at my doorway. I looked at him.

"I didn't think it mattered," I said. He narrowed his eyes, rarely did he lose

Composer, and grabbed my collar. "Remember where you stand, Abarai-fukutaicho,"

"I don't care where I stand, Kuchiki-taicho," I spat back at him, "You

Don't have any relevance in my life," That was a bold lie but I think I seemed

Convincing because he let me go. Just when I thought he would leave me be,

His left hand came crashing into my face, sting my cheek and blurring my

Vision with new tears. I felt the blood rush out of my nose. He smacked me

With pure force. I looked at him as he recoiled his hand and saw the bracelet dangle

From his wrist. My bracelet. Was he hiding it? Did I hurt his feelings? Does he

Care after all? But, isn't married? Is he trying to lure me into a trap and break

Me into a million pieces again? Is he some nonchalant sadist? But, I must've stricken

A nerve if he suddenly felt the need of smacking me into the New Year.

However, I feel like this is a moment for me to reiterate on the obvious philosophy that lies

Within fukutaichos and taichos: our strength difference. Fukutaichos are to follow

After their taichos, protect their taichos while taichos carry the responsibility

Of everything within their squad. I'm growing strictly wary of these games.

"I'm truly sorry, Taicho," I said. "That was wrong of me to stand out of line like that,"

"Renji," He settled to calling me my name. His voice…my name. My heart fluttered.

I looked at him and he was looking away from me, hiding his face. "Just…just get

Back to work," He sounded a lot more defeated than I felt. What am I to do now?

"_**Different," Byakuya said. "It was different but not so horrible,"**_

"_It hurt?" I asked. I probed myself up on one elbow and looked at him better_

_While he rested on his back. "Sort of. It was uncomfortable if anything,"_

"_You don't have to do it anymore if it makes you feel like that," I said._

_He looked at me, his gray eyes shining with something I've never seen before_

_And he semi-smiled. "It was awkward but it's only fair to switch every now and again,"_

"_Perhaps," I started, "But I want it to be pleasurable to both of us,"_

"_I never said it was bad," He said, "I just said it was merely different,"_

"_Byakuya…" "That's not me being kind, Renji. I trust you with myself in all ways. _

_I think it's only fair to step out of my comfort zone to make your wildest dreams_

_Real. I think you deserve that much," My heart froze and I blushed. "Taicho, I appreciate_

_Your efforts. But it is completely unnecessary," He swatted the side of my face and_

_Said, "Renji, you make each of these moments beautiful in your gentle way._

_You managed to place more smiles in one day that I've had more in one lifetime._

_The least I can do is let you have your way. And don't call me "Taicho" when you_

_Are holding me so tightly in your arms," I kissed him softly. Just when I thought_

_I couldn't love him anymore than what I already did. His fingers tangled themselves_

_Into my hair and my heart thundered harder. When I pressed my chest onto his_

_And kissed his harder, I felt his heart beat. It was, just a little, faster than mine._

_But I pretended not to notice. I just focused on kissing him so passionately._

"**I'm calling it a day, Taicho," I said. Taicho avoided my eyes and nodded. **

"Goodnight, Taicho," I said. "Goodnight, Renji," He said. I closed his door

And let the facts sink in. Taicho was wearing my bracelet and was

Unusually upset. He didn't take shame in showing me his feelings. My head

Started to hurt. When I turned the corner, I saw Ichigo. "Oi, Ichigo," I heard someone

Say. I turned behind me and noticed Taicho. Behind him was Ikkaku-san and

Yumichika-san. "Abarai-kun," Yumichika said. "Kuchiki-taicho,"

"Why are you two in my squad?" Taicho asked sternly. Ikkaku-san rolled his eyes

And Yumichika-san said, "We came to see, Abarai-kun and Kurosaki-kun,"

"Hm…" Taicho said. He looked at Ichigo. "Kurosaki Ichigo. My ceremony is

Over and done with. Why do you remain in the Gotei 13?" "Oi, Byakuya."

Ichigo said, "I was asked to stay longer. Come join us. We are going

To go drinking." "I am the 28th head of the Kuchiki Family. Do you think I have

Time to drink?" He asked. I cracked a smile. It was very much like Taicho

To say something like that. "Don't be so uptight, Byakuya. That's why you

Never have fun," "No," Taicho said, "I generally don't like you and don't enjoy

Doing anything that involves that orange head of yours. Your life should

Never tamper with mine," That was rather harsh. He walked by all of us

And Ikkaku began to speak to cut Ichigo off, "Jeez. What's his problem?

He was just as nasty at the wedding ceremony,"

"Maybe it's stress. I'm sure he'll be fine soon," Yumichika said. Ichigo just looked

Dumbfounded. "Let it go, Ichigo. It's just how Taicho is," I said.

"Why is he your captain? He's such an asshole. That big eyed loser…"

I smiled and wondered what the hell is going on.

_**The snow was falling. My heart was crumbling. Air was having a hard time**_

_Getting into my lungs. It was so cold. So horribly cold._

"_Byakuya," I managed. His eyes were as cold as ice and my lips stopped moving._

"_What we had is now in the past, Renji. I'm getting married,"_

"_Married? What? Married? Why so short noticed?" I asked. He grew colder, placing a gap_

_Between us after slowly removing it. "Look, Renji. You and I are men. It is impossible _

_To continue this relationship," What? Men? Since when did being a man become a problem? _

"_So, that's it?" I asked. He nodded and his face softened. "I'd like for you to attend my marriage,"_

"_And see you off with a woman? Are you out of your mind? How fuckin' heartless_

_Are you?" "Abarai-fukutaicho. Don't talk to me that way." _

"_Fuck you, Byakuya…" I ran away from him and into my own misery._

_The tears never stopped flowing. I could not believe it was happening._

_For a while, I felt so numb. Every day seemed like the same day. Taicho_

_Avoided me like the plague and I did all my work. My social life was_

_Diminished because I was afraid of leaking my pain while Taicho attending_

_Meetings regarding his wife. And then I thought, why me?_

**I came back to my room late and with jello legs. My head was spinning**

And my eyes could barely remain open. After a while of lying down, I looked

Out my window to see Taicho standing on the window ceil. "Taicho?" I called and

Then, he was gone. Maybe I was hallucinating. Did I miss him that much?

Knowing how down and out of it I've been for a while,

I seriously don't consider it odd to go insane. I closed my eyes and heard

My window open. My eyes could barely keep themselves open but I swore,

For a brief moment, I was looking into the steel eyes that belong to Taicho.

I tried to speak but my exhaustion engulfed me and made it close to impossible

To be aware of anything. I felt his fingers on mine and saw a deep sorrow in his eyes.

"Renji, don't speak," He whispered. My eye lids closed and I lost all feeling

In my body. Am I dreaming?

_**He ducked away from me, made sure our paths never crossed. **_

_Our eyes never met and our fingers never touched. He pushed me away_

_The farthest he could in a short amount of time. I felt like I was placed_

_Back into square one, the square when we first met._

_It hurt more than anything to see our relationship change so drastically._

_We went from making love to barely speaking at all. It was acutely bizarre_

_And devastating. He didn't even imply that he missed me or missed us._

_He didn't imply if he wanted to be my friend…at the very least._

_Instead, he did his work and left. No good mornings. No goodnights._

_No more 'thank you's for your hard work. It was just silence. A silence that probed_

_At my mind all the time. Was it his way of hiding something? Or, did he_

_Truly detest me?_

_What I hated most about this was the obvious change in how he called me._

_It was a change not only I saw. He reverted back to calling me ,"Abarai –_

_Fukutaicho," Hisagi-san asked, "Did you guys fight?" I shook my head no_

_And walked behind Taicho with a space between us. We no longer walked _

_Side by side. I was always behind him. A few steps behind him. _

_I never crossed his path, walk past him, or near his side. I stayed_

_Away and made sure we didn't come in any contact. I couldn't bare the _

_Thought of our past love affair. It just seemed unreal to me…this change…_

**I woke up with a headache that could kill a nation. My eyes squinted at the **

Sun that leaked in and all I wanted to do was kill Ikkaku and Ichigo for making

Me drink so much. "C'mon, Renji. Don't be a wuss," never will I let them clash

With my ego and feel ashamed for only taking the safe route. I'm sure those

Heavy drinkers don't feel this level of pain and frustration in the morning.

I sat up and wanted to freshen up but felt a wave of dizziness overpower me.

Maybe getting up so suddenly was not a smart idea. I tried to even my breathing

And sat up but slowly. Wasn't as bad but still bothered me.

I started to get dress and combed out my hair. In the mirror, I noticed something

Odd but shockingly familiar. I turned around and looked at my futon's side

To see that it was there. It was. Senbonzakura was by my pillow.

Why did Kuchiki-taicho place it there?

I went to pick it up and heard someone running outside my door.

"Hado #33, Blue Fire, Crash down!" I heard Taicho yell. My door flew open

And Ukitake-taicho and Kyoraku-taicho kept yelling, "Kuchiki-taicho!

Stop this! You are over doing it!" I stepped away from an enraged

Byakuya, something I've never seen, and saw him look at Senbonzakura.

"Scatter! Senbonzakura!" It scattered and all of the cherry blossoms came

Charging at me. my whole wall collapsed and I landed on the other side.

Everyone who was out there focused on me. "Bankai!" he continued.

I got up with blood leaking from my mouth and an upset stomach.

"Senbonzakura Kageyoshi" "Kuchiki!" Ukitake-taicho yelled. Frustrated,

He took out his blade, "All waves, rise now and become my shield. Lightening,

Strike down and become my blade. Sogyo no Kotowari!" He stood in the

Way of Byakuya's bankai. "Move, Ukitake," Taicho snarled. It was highly

Unlike him to lose so much composer. "Kuchiki-taicho. Please. Let

Abarai-kun explain," Ukitake-taicho said calmly. "NO!" Byakuya yelled.

I noticed Sou-taicho standing on a roof top far away. Now I got it.

"Bankai," I said. Ukitake-taicho and Kukichi-taicho looked at me.

"Hihio Zabimaru," "Senkei!" Taicho yelled. I jumped and dragged Zabimaru

With me. "Hikotsu Taiho." Zabimaru opened her mouth and shoot out

Her famous cannon. "Abarai!" Ukitake yelled. Byakuya blocked my move

And jumped up to get me. "My, my," Kyoraku-taicho said. "Such stubborn

Children they are. Flower wind rage and flower god roar. Heaven wind rage

And heavenly demon sneer. Katen Kyokutsu," "Jushiro! Shunsui!" Sou-taicho

Yelled. To everyone's shock, they turned their heads. "Leave these two

Be," "Sensei!" Ukitake-taicho said. "Yama-jii. Have you lost it? These

Two are bound to engross themselves in such a horrible blood bath,"

"That's right," Ukitake-taicho said, "They will hurt one another and I am sure

Either one of them will forgive themselves,"

"Let them fight. Maybe it would knock some sense into them," Sou-taicho said.

With rage motivating Byakuya, I might actually lose my life. But he wanted to

Challenge my faith and loyalty to the squad, he was entitled to. Our blades finally

Clashed and I looked into his gray eyes. Menacing…full of rage…

_**One morning, I realized I couldn't take the awkwardness and pain anymore,**_

_I wanted to leave. I had this intense desire to turn my back on everything_

_And everyone involving the Gotei 13. I didn't want to be with Byakuya_

_But at the same time, I wanted to become his everything._

_I was nervous about saying something. Terrified that Sou-taicho would harm me._

_Without the Central 46 to make a choice about resigning my position left me_

_In Sou-taicho's grasp. That old man is utterly unpredictable._

_I don't even know what he takes seriously anymore._

_However, the thoughts of Taicho kissing and touching a woman after kissing_

_And touching me made me rather upset. It was enough motivation I had to_

_Walk down the halls of the Gotei 13 until I reached Sou-taicho's office._

_I regretted it instantly but I didn't change my mind. I was desperate._

_I opened the door to his room and asked him to forgive me_

_About my intrusion. Momentarly, he was silent and then asked, "What_

_Is it, Abarai-Fukutaicho?" I looked at the ground and then looked at him._

_Forcing every brave molecule in my body to summon itself._

"_I want to resign," I said. His eyes, widening ferociously suddenly_

_Terrified me. My body trembled and swallowing became impossible._

_My heart was frantic and I looked Sou-taicho in the eyes just in case he didn't _

_Get it. "I'm resigning," _

"**Why did you suddenly want to leave my squad? What have I done to you?"**

"Are you just blind or stupid? I cannot believe you're asking that,"

"Why is it so hard to believe? I don't even speak to you,"

"That's it. It's a factor to why I don't want to see your face anymore,"

"So, this is simply because you don't want to be around me?"

"Isn't obvious, Byakuya? I can't even stand the sight of your face!"

"What happened to adoring it so much?"

"Those days are long gone dead, Byakuya,"

"If they were so dead, then why does it matter if you see me or not?"

"You are not playing fair. Just leave me be,"

"You are my fukutaicho, Renji. How can I just 'leave you be'?

"You've done it for almost a year. Why not continue?"

"Because you pulled such an idiotic and selfish move that managed to irritate me,"

"I'm not sure irritation can cover the immense amount of rage you were feeling,"

"It's not rage, you moron. It's pain. Pain that I've held in my heart for so long,"

"Pain? Pain from what? Your wife?"

"No, pain that my family won't even allow me to marry the person I love,"

"Which was who?"

"You, Renji. I always loved you and it hurts that I can't be with you,"

"You are such a sadistic liar,"

"Why would I lie to you? I've never lied to you,"

"Yes you did. You told me you wanted me forever and look where we're at now!"

"That's because I am the 28th head of the Kuchiki family! I cannot marry a man!"

"Go to hell, Byakuya!"

"Why are you so stubborn about it? Just let my words sink in,"

"If I give my heart to you again, how will I know you won't crush it?"

"That is a risk you take when you are in love,"

Why did Taicho sound like me? Why did it feel like I was arguing with myself?

"Sou-taicho told me about your foolish resignation. Blinded by rage, I

Attacked you. I am sorry but I want you to be sorry too. Not for what we had

But for what you did,"

"I believe what I did was the right thing to do,"

"And because of that mentality of yours, you are now here… and inable to

Breathe on your own. Only you can get me this angry, Renji,"

"And do you think this is ok?"

"No,"

"_**There's something I wanted to say, something I must share before**_

_I get married. Something I feel like I should have told you._

_Something I've kept to myself for far too long…_

_Renji, I love you._

_I love you more than God loves his creations. More than a mother_

_Loves her child. More than the sun loves the moon. More than_

_The meaning of life itself. I've never loved someone with such_

_A level I cannot fully comprehend. It has managed to shake ever fiber in_

_My being. My heart throbs for you and my soul cries for you. As long_

_As you are alive and well, it is enough to satisfy me. However, I am_

_Going to miss our late night discussions and our miniature moments of bliss._

_I feel like it was temporary…I'm sorry I could not make it an eternity…_

_Renji, I never want you to forget what lies in my heart and what _

_I had buried deep in my soul when it comes to you. Words cannot describe_

_The fierce entity that I love you with. Nothing can replace the happiest moments_

_Of my life, Renji. No one can replace you. _

_I know the day will come when I will hold the hand of a woman_

_And create our future to satisfy my family's needs. I wish, truthfully,_

_That I can escape all that binds me to this woman. I wish I had enough_

_Heart to break my parent's oath and love you like I've dreamed of loving you._

_I am sorry, Renji. I am truly sorry. It breaks me to realize that in our_

_Future, there will never be an 'us' again. Our moments of bliss have vaporized_

_Into something abstract and constricted my heart in ways unrecoverable. _

_However, no matter the circumstances, Renji, I will always love you…"_

**I opened my eyes and noticed Taicho was next to me, resting. **

He had a scratch on his cheek and bandages covering his chest.

Our battle was fierce but our argument was even worse. My head

Didn't know what to make of this mess.

These tubs inside of my nose were driving me insane and I could

Barely move my hands. Senbonzakura is not a joke when it's in its

Shukei: Hakuteiken form. The power was so unrealistically

Strong that I felt those pedals dance in my blood streams. That led

Me to panic. However, I thought this fight was a battle of wills.

It felt like Byakuya was trying, with his whole being, to make me

Submit to him. No, it was a battle of understanding where he stood

And how he felt. However, his words still have not penetrated me.

How easy it would have been if he would have told me so in the beginning.

How much pain could have been avoided if he could have conveyed these

Words sooner. Instead, he left me in the dust and married a woman I am sure

He doesn't even love…because of his responsibility of being the head of his family

What a load of bullshit all of this is. I mean, can't he say no

And ignore the principals of being the head? Couldn't he break the oaths

To his parents once again? Wasn't my love relevant enough to

Go through such troubles just to make it last forever?

No, sadly enough, it was not. Byakuya is fixated on the theory

Of living in his home with his two friends: law and order.

He has been giving the position to take charge of everything and must

Construct the family in a harmonic way and keep intact his noble heritage.

It is his duty to create the next heir and I know once he does,

He will never separate himself from the woman he married.

They will raise that boy to be the next heir of the family

And he would be forced to accept all responsibilities attached to it as well.

Being rich sounds harder than I thought. When Byakuya's eyes

Fluttered open, I closed mine. I wasn't ready to talk to him…

Let alone be bedazzled by his eyes. "Renji," He said quietly.

He ran his fingers through my hair and signed.

For a moment, I thought of opening my eyes and telling him it's ok.

But my heart still wanted to be angry with him.

I know it is very selfish of me to do so but I don't want to operate on

Anyone's terms. It makes me feel like I lose a piece of myself.

Surprisingly enough, I felt his lips on mine. My eyes opened and closed

Slowly. I responded to his kiss and felt his tongue trace mine.

My heart raced and my body grew so hot. He leaned a little closer

To me and deepened our kiss. He was bringing back everything I casted away.

Before I could get lost, he let go. While I sank into a daze, he left me.

There it was, the kiss I feared. Our goodbye kiss.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to call him back. But I knew it was futile.

He was never going to change his mind…nor was I going to change mine.

I sighed and looked outside in the bright blue sky. His footsteps

Were faint and suddenly, gone. My heart fluttered fast but sank into

It's unwanted yet familiar territory. It fell back into that terrible abyss

I call despair.

How many moons would it take for me to let him go? I don't know.

How long will it take for me to look him in the eyes as the captain

He should've been in the beginning, I'm not sure. When will serving

Him feel like a step closer to my goal of surpassing him? I don't know.

I do know that I can't linger around him. I know if I stay longer,

I may end up losing the little bit of sanity I have left. I placed my hand

Over my mouth and let it all come forth. The anguish I kept locked away.

The anger of being left behind. I let it come and devour me.

I started to cry. Silent tears sliding down my face and landed on my ears.

I sat up slowly and the anguish seemed even heavier. I started to sob

And sob hard enough to draw attention. I never wanted someone to

See me like this but with this severe level of pain dwelling in my heart,

It would be close to impossible to not catch anyone's attention. Of all

People, Ukitake-taicho was there and sat in my room. All he did was

Place a hand over mine and look deeply worried. For some odd reason,

I felt some level of solace in this moment. It was surprisingly…refreshing…

"_**Yama-jii knew," Kyoraku-taicho said. "He knew of the love affair.**_

_That man may be old but he is not dumb. It is hard to hide anything_

_From him. He pulled Kuchiki-taicho aside and asked. Kuchiki-taicho_

_Didn't lie. Yama-jii wasn't pleased and left this up to Ukitake and I._

"_We spoke to Kuchiki-taicho enough to get an idea of where he stood._

_I could tell, by the look on his face, he was deeply in love with you._

_I told him to be honest. Ukitake said, 'if you can't speak it, the write it_

_Out and give it to him when the time is right'" However, what we didn't_

_Know was Kuchiki-taicho's obvious decision of never letting you know. He_

_Believed that if he 'dropped' it, it would 'go' away. He was greatly disappointed_

_To realize that doing so would only worsen everything. He was livid._

_Ukitake and I pushed for him to tell you how he truly felt but he decided against it,_

_Thus, lead him to stop coming to us. You see, Ukitake and I have been _

_Together for more than 100 years. Our love is stretched beyond the universe._

_I may joke about my love for women but there is only one set of arms I _

_Go home to and they do not belong to any woman I know. _

_Ukitake gave you that note because he found it in Kuchiki-taicho's office_

_And felt that right now was the best time to give it to you. He felt_

_Like you deserved to know. I am sorry everything turned out so_

_Bad, Abarai-kun. I am truly sorry…"_

"**I'm sorry to trouble you, Hanataru." I said. "Abarai-fukutaicho. It's fine,"**

He said. The wounds on my body were almost gone. I can see it

Was wearing him out. He was working hard for a good 2 hours.

Byakuya made sure I wouldn't defy him again.

"Ah, all better," Hanataru said. "You should be perfectly healed now.

I just want you to rest a bit—" I sat up and moved out of my futon,

"W-w-w-wait! Abarai-fukutaicho! You should rest. Getting up so suddenly

Is dangerous." I frowned. I wanted to leave as soon as I could and not

Deal with the hassle everyone was bound to give me. I had to be

Clever about my next steps but didn't want Hanataru to be involved

Anymore than what he already was. I only thought of making him believe this

Was a dream. "Hanataru. Thank you," I hit him as hard as I

Could on the back of his neck which shocked him and sealed his eyes

Immediately. Placed him properly on the futon and checked the hall

To see if anyone was on patrol. I started to run down the hall. It was empty

Which gave me the advantage of carrying out my plans.

When I turned a corner, I ran straight into Unhohana-taicho. "Abarai-fukutaicho.

What you doing?" she asked. "You are not well enough to move around

So vigorously," I didn't anticipate running into her. I should've, though. I mean,

This is her squad after all.

Before I could respond, a wave of cherry blossoms appeared. My heart

Began to pound hard in my chest. Jesus, not again. A small smile appeared

On her lips and she said, "Love is beautiful and yet, dangerous."

I didn't understand what she meant. I was a little too afraid to know

What she meant. And, did she know about the affair too?

Was word just helplessly getting around? She sighed and said, "I never

Saw anything. I never saw you or Kuchiki-taicho," she turned around to face

Byakuya. He's completely surrounded by Senbonzakura. He seemed

Completely prepared to fight for his life also. Unohana-taicho offered a sad

Smile when her eyes landed on me once again. "Take care,

Abarai-fukutaicho, Kuchiki-taicho," He didn't say anything but let her walk away. I looked

Directly at Kuchiki-taicho and took note of his missing hoari, kenseikan, and

His white tekkou. But he kept his scarf. His dark hair began flying all over

The place without his kenseikan to keep it in place. "Renji, I am abandoning

My duty as a captain and my responsibilities of a family head to spend the

Rest of my life with you. It is obvious, no matter how hard I try, you are still

Very determined to leave me. So, please, I beg of you, take me to

Wherever you wish to go, to whatever land you want to spend your years

At. If it is to the ends if the Earth, let it be. Just please, allow me to

Remain at your side and take my love seriously." He got down on

His knees and bowed his head long enough to touch the ground.

"I beg of you! I have loved before and it was sweet. I never thought I could

Love again and realize it is the sweetest thing I've ever tasted. Please,

Renji, take me with you." Before I could respond, the bells of an emergency

Went off. I couldn't hear what the person was saying but I was sure

It was an alert of some form of dismay. The bells started to ring

And people began banging on the wooden planks to cause awareness.

I wanted to attend the emergency meeting but the shinigami began to appear

Before us. Byakuya rose his head and looked at me.

"Just get up, stop humiliating yourself. We can talk about this later.

Right now, we seem to have a huge problem on our hands. Why

Are the shinigami randomly attacking us? I asked.

"Forgive me. I've caused a little bit of trouble," he said. "Thank you, Byakuya,"

I told him sarcastically."Bankai," Byakuya said. "Senbonzakura Kageyoshi," He

Cleared the path. Cherry blossoms spewed everywhere and we made a run for it.

I grabbed his hand to keep running. I can only imagine the faces

Everyone was making when they realized what we were doing. Byakuya let

Go of his scarf and held my hand tighter. I can tell by the tightness of his

Grip that he's as terrified as I am. "Howl, Zabimaru!" I said. I moved more of the

Shinigami out of my way and felt the reiastu of others…Hitsgaya-taicho,

Matsumoto-san, Hisagi-san, Kira, Ukitake-taicho, Kyoraku-taicho, Sou-taicho…

They were letting us escape while everyone else was rushed towards us.

Zaraki-taicho's laughter was metallic in the air. Yumichika-san and Ikkaku-san

Released their shikais with a frown imprinted on their faces. Soifon-taicho missed

Her attack. My hair fell free. I saw Rukia opened the gate for us and said, "Farewell,

Nii-sama…Renji," Knowing that she may be executed for this. If

She dies, I will never be able to forgive myself. We nodded at her and took

Two of hell butterflies with us. The gate sealed behind us once we were on the

Other side. Maybe the shinigami will hunt us. Maybe they'll try their

Best to kill us. Or, they can understand that our love goes beyond

That. Maybe they'll understand…for an odd reason, it felt like they were

Seeing us off. Was that goodbye? Did they know that we were going

To escape together regardless? We stepped into Karakura Town and

Watch the gate close behind us. Byakuya embraced me and I did so back.

Our lips touched and the warm put me under his spell. My heart felt

A little uneasy and my mind is in disarray. Byakuya stopped kissing me

But never moved to let me go. A man of honor. A man of pride was crumbling

In front of me. He never seemed like the type to let his heart consume him.

I don't know what changed his mind and I don't want to. Something told me

I shouldn't know regardless. I let him sink into my arms and kissed his forehead.

He was always the one to comfort me and remind me that everything will be fine.

It's a little strange to me for us to switch roles.

"Let's find Ichigo so that we can stay the night," I suggested. Byakuya shook his head

No and didn't move after that. His eyes were closed tightly. He's truly afraid. Then,

It dawned on me. He was showing me who he truly was. His anguish, his fear,

His love. Everything. He was showing it to me.

"Byakuya, I love you," I said. "I just need time, ok? Time to accept all this and

Forgive you properly. It doesn't mean I don't love you any less. I just want to

Be the one for you 100%," He looked at me with tears falling out of his eyes.

"What should I do?" He asked in a shaky voice. "Just remain my friend until

I'm ready," I said. He let me go and looked at his hands. "You don't trust me?"

"Not as much as I use to," I said. "My pain told me not to, at least, not immediately,"

"I'm sorry," He started. I felt relieved that he was apologizing in person instead of

On paper. That honestly eased my heart a little." I know. But I still

Am hurt, Byakuya. I still am angry. How do I know this is not a front,"

"It's not!" He said. He was hysterical now, "I left my lineage. I left my title!

I can get executed for that! I left it all behind to be happy with you. What more

Do I have to do to convince you that I'm in love with you?"

"Nothing," I said. "Just give me time. Let's fine Ichigo. I feel like I should rest,"

He didn't move a muscle. "Byakuya?" "Renji," He asked in that shaky voice.

He didn't turn around to face me. "You'll at least make love to me, right? I've missed you,"

I blushed. Never would I thought he'd be bold with his desires. I hugged him from behind and told

Him. "I'll do whatever you want. I'll love you more than anything in this world.

I'm just asking for some time to recuperate and suck up these life

Changing events." I separated from him and he looked at me. He looked

Defeated but grabbed my hand nonetheless and said. "Just don't let me go,"


End file.
